Batman's File
by Grendle1853
Summary: Funny little thing Batman finds in his League file.  Chapter 3 now up. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Batman walked down the corridor, grumpy as usual, to the monitor womb. Once there he took a seat off to the side away from the other heroes. He began to notice something. Wonder Woman and Superman were standing together, looking at him, and...snickering. They were giggling to themselves while looking at him.

Batman stood, calmly walked to the two heroes, and asked, "Exactly what do the two of you find so amusing?"

As soon as the dark knight began his approach the pair had stopped their giggling and tried to look disinterested. They were not good actors. "What are you talking about Batman?" Superman lamely replied, his eyes scanning the throngs of younger heroes just out of listening range.

Batman let out a heavy sigh. "How you manage to keep your identity secret Kent, I will never know," he told him in a low voice. He turned to Wonder Woman, who refused to look him in the eye. "Diana?" he asks.

Wonder Woman sighs. "Its your file," she tells him. Then she turns to Superman's disappointed face, "I don't like lying. Especially not to the greatest detective on Earth."

"My file? What file?" Batman asked.

"Your League file...," she explained.

Now Batman understood. When the League was expanded, each member was given a file in the central computer. Just the basics about the Leager and their abilities, so it would be easier to organize groups for missions. Batman looked through and edited many of the files often. Whoever he didn't have a reason to check up on his own file very much...

Batman sat himself down one of the many computer consoles and brought up his file. The beginning of it seemed to be the same at least.

_Batman_

_Expert Marshal Artist_

_Escape Artist_

_Detective_

_Extensive Knowledge on..._

Uninterested in this he continued to scroll down until he got to something knew. "...what?"

_Can make villains wet their pants with a single glare_

_Has a nice ass_

_Knows that he is right_

_Knows that your wrong_

_Immune to the common cold_

_Can beat statues at staring contests_

_Has the ability to steal anyone's girlfriend_

_Can make women orgasm with a single glare_

_Is worshiped by cults around the world_

_Has groupies_

_Batman is not hung like a horse (horses are hung like Batman)_

_Can play guitar, base, drums, and keyboard...all at the same time!_

_As well as sing vocals_

_Terrifies the ground, so it doesn't make a sound when he walks on it_

_Knows when you masturbate_

_After his birth, the amount of asskicking world wide has shot up 500_

_5000000_

_Infinity!_

_HATES CLOWNS!_

_Is feared by bad guys_

_Is feared by good guys_

_Is loved by the ladies_

_Is feared by clowns_

_Can impregnate a woman with a single glare_

_Hitler is alive...and Batman does horrible things to him_

_Is not allowed into hell (for fear of all the asskicking he would unleash)_

_Has fathered nations of children_

_Plays Lucifer in chess for the souls of all mankind_

_Is not allowed into heaven (for fear of the almighty being shown up)_

_Punches reeeeally hard!_

_Can kill a man with his own shoes_

_Only stops pleasuring women to kick more ass_

_Has balls the size of small galaxies (made of the very stuff of the universe itself)_

Batman scrolls down through pages and pages of this until he reaches the end...

_Batman's tears can cure cancer. Tragically however, Batman has never cried_

Batman slowly exited out of the file, stood, and began to walk out of the monitor womb. Before he exits Wonder Woman called after him, "Batman!...is any of it true?"

Batman stopped, turned, and walked back to within a foot of her. He glared into her eyes for a few seconds, then looked down at her stomach. With that he turned and quickly walked out of the room, yelling back, "I guess we'll know in about nine months!"


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry I forgot last time, but I in no way own anything I'm writing about

Thanks for all the reviews

Wonder Woman walked into her room in the watchtower and collapses onto her bed. A four hour long battle with minor Olympian gods does a tired Wonder Woman make. She reluctantly pulled herself off to strip off her armor and is surprised to see a small package left on her desk. It was a small box wrapped in paper with a tag. The tag had a symbol on it. His symbol. The Batman symbol.

She finished taking off her armor then went over to pick up the box. She tore it open to find a pregnancy test and a note in it. She stared at the little devise for about three whole seconds before bursting into gut wrenching laughter. "Well, it seems like he took it well," she says to herself.

Then she picked up the little letter, 'Check out your file Diana...', was all it said.

Her eyes lit up and she excitedly sat at her couch to bring up her file, "What have you done...," she giggles to herself.

_Wonder Woman_

_Superhuman Durability_

_Superhuman Strength_...

She scrolled down until..."Haaaahaaahaaa!"

_She is way out of your league_

_She can kick your ass_

_She nice enough not to tell you that she can kick your ass (but she can)_

_Wears lacy underwear_

_Has the nicest breast in the known universe_

_Will not tie you up with her lasso if you ask her to_

_Can kick superman's ass_

_Can fight crime in twelve inch stiletto heels_

_Does not need makeup_

_Has a tattoo of the American flag on her butt_

_Defeated the Persian Army in the name of the 300!_

_Has kissed more girls than you_

_Is the daughter of the Grimace_

_Possess the power of an atomic explosion during 'that time of the month'_

_Will not introduce you to any of her incredibly hot sister_

_Can defy the power of gravity (that's how she stands up straight)_

_Nothing can kill her (Like her father the Grimace)_

_Normally contains the equivalent power of a moose_

_Loves the Backstreet Boys_

_Makes cooking that can kill better men then you_

_Is loved by men_

_Is hated by women_

_Is loved by heroes_

_Is feared by villains_

_Is loved by women_

_Is loved by villains_

_Has the nicest ass in the known universe_

_Has a backhand that can hurl men into outer space_

_Is more limber than an Olympian gymnast_

_Is in-tune with the oneness of the awesomeness of her being_

_Holds the title of world champion in the sport of mud wrestling for 2002, 03, 04, and 05 _

_Her outfit doesn't need pockets because she has a small pocket dimension in her cleavage_

_Is an expert in all the amazon martial arts (including slapping, hair pulling, throwing of the shoes, the windmill, and "bitch my man ain't your baby's daddy!")_

She continued down the list. "Did he do all of these himself?!" she asked herself. Then she reached the end.

_Can add things to Batman's File...and think that he won't find out._

Her mouth fell open. "How in Tartarus...I was sure he would think it was Flash," she said to herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for all the reviews. I took what some of you said to heart. Hope you like this better.

"So, what do you think I should do know?" Wonder Woman asked her best friend.

"I don't know exactly. Why did you do it in the first place?" Superman said.

"Because I thought it would be funny. And...I don't know...I wanted to get some kind of reaction out of him," she tells him.

"Well it sounds like you succeeded. You actually got a positive reaction out of Batman, so what more do you want?" Superman asked.

"At most a nice loving romance. At least a steamy night to remember," she admitted.

"Diana! That's really not like you," he told her.

"What can I say, I'm a woman. A woman that has not got any action sense she left her home town," she said.

"I thought there was no men on Themiscyra?" he asked.

"There weren't," she answered.

"O...k. Why are you interested in Bruce then?" Superman asked.

"I'm attracted to men too," she said.

"Ok, why Bruce then?" he added.

"I don't know. My mother was infatuated with Hades, maybe an attraction to dark broody bastards runs in the family," she explained.

Superman chuckled at that, "Well that's one explanation."

"Your not helping," Wonder Woman accused

He shrugged, "Batman thinks he knows you completely. Hell he thinks he knows all of us inside and out. You did something that he (or anyone else) wouldn't expect you to do. You surprised him. Do it again."

Wonder Woman stood In front of the Wayne Mansions giant doors. She used her armor's convenient power to remove change out of it and reveal what she put on before donning the armor. It was a useful power that she recently unlocked, and it allowed her to wear normal cloths and be able to instantly jump into ass kicking status. She had no Idea what she would have done with out it right now, because there is no way she would be flying around dressed as she is now.

_"This will really surprise him," _she said to herself as she knocked on the door. _"There's something I'm forgetting," _she thought to herself. It finally clicked in her head, but by then it was too late, _"Oh my."_

Alfred was busying himself in the mansion when he heard a knock at the door. He dutifully rushed to it and swung it open. "How may I help...," with that his voice was stolen away by the sight before him.

There standing in the door way was Wonder Woman, dressed only in white lacy Lingerie, "Um...Hello Alfred, could you please tell Batman I'm here," she asked.

With that Alfred turned sharply on his heels and strode down to the cave. There he found the Batman, dressed as Bruce Wayne, sitting in front of his large computer. He walked to Batman's side, placed a hand on his shoulder, and said, "Master Bruce, you want to go to the front door. Right now."

This caused Batman's eyebrow to arch, but he stood and began up the stairs into the manor. After a few steps he turned back, "Alfred, aren't you coming?" he asked.

Alfred took a seat in the big chair, "No sir."

Now a little bit more concerned, still he continued up the stairs. When he reached the front door his eyes nearly popped out of his head. He stood speechless, just looking Wonder Woman up and down. Then he let loose a stream of uncontrolled laughter. For her part Wonder Woman smiled, turned around, and pointed to her left butt cheek. Or to put it more specifically, to the temporary tattoo of an American flag on it. Wonder Woman accomplished what supervillains, mobsters, and madman had sought to do ever since the dark knight emerged. She brought him to his knees (as he doubled over in laughter). It was so nice, refreshing, and funny to hear him laugh that she followed suit.

_"Now that's a reaction," _she thought to herself.

After a few minutes, still laughing, he was able to pull himself to his feet. Then he surprised her by pulling her into his arms and giving her what would have been the deepest and most passionate kiss in there whole lives...had they not both had to stop a couple times to let stray giggles out.

Then he hoisted her up in his arms and bolted up the steps. "Where are you taking me?!" she light-heartedly screeched.

"To my bedroom," he calmly answered, even as he began bounding up the steps.

"Doesn't Batman have something more important to do tonight?" she asked mischievously.

Batman kicked open the door to the master bedroom and told her, "No. I don't have to stop to play the Devil in chess, torture Hitler, or 'kick more ass' until tomorrow," as he tossed her hysterically laughing form onto the bed.

_"Thank the gods! This is about time!" _she thought.

Several _**hours**_ later the two lay spent on top of the covers. Batman lazily looked about the room at the remains of their clothes, then into the palm of his right hand where Wonder Woman's tattoo had rubbed off. The beauty laying next to him said, "I was right, you are hung like a horse."

"I thought horses were hung like me," he corrected her as he pulls her closer to him. "I was right too, you are as limber as an Olympian gymnast."

She smiled slightly, opened her eyes, and asked, "Batman...do you know when I masturbate?" He opened his eyes again and a knowing smile formed on his face. Her mouth falls open, "Batman!"

He laughed, "You just look so happy and light on your feet afterwards. You skin looks so nice and rosy for hours...," he stops as she goes to smack him, "No hitting! Hahaah...your file said you have super strength!"

So she bit him instead. He yelled out "OW!" through his laughter before the two of them rolled back under the sheets.

That's the END. However if anyone else wants to do a Leaguer's file, I'd love to read it.


End file.
